Hello again. Last week we regaled you with our picks for the most swoon worthy men of literature and film. In the interest of fairness, we thought we would discuss the other end of the spectrum: the most undateable men of literature and film.
Now, it should go without saying that this is not a comprehensive list. If you are reading a book or watching a movie that features a serial killer, a man who has a major problem with monogamy, or Jabba the Hutt, those characters would also be terrible to date.
In the fashion of the last blog, we shall list a few men we agree upon and then our own picks.
Let’s do this.
3. Sweeney Todd:
“There was a barber and his wife, and he was beautiful. A proper artist with a knife, but they transported him for life. And he was beautiful.” Sweeney Todd, or Benjamin Barker if you knew him before the exile, was bent on repaying Judge Turpin for the terrible turn his life took, not only the exile but the taking of his wife and daughter. With a song in his heart, Sweeney Todd begins slashing the throats of the men coming to his barbershop for a shave and then eating the meat pies the victims were baked into. In the end, he killed his wife (In his defense, he didn’t know it was her) and threw his sort of girlfriend into an oven. A murderous cannibalistic barber. We hope we don’t have to tell you why Sweeney Todd is on this list.
Chelsea: Benjamin Barker would be quite a catch for most women. He is a very nice man with his own business. Sweeney Todd, however is not a kind person. He is very protective of those he loves, but seems to have a problem recognizing his wife and daughter. The murder and cannibalism land him squarely on this list with no hope of redemption.
Keisha: Sweeney Todd has a bit of a sweetness to him. One cannot fault him much for wanting revenge on the judge who exiled him. His story is such a sad one that it’s no wonder he’s a bit unhinged. He really just wants his old life back. He thinks that his wife is dead, so he does what he can to get his daughter back from the awful Judge Turpin. And he sings. However, I cannot turn a blind eye to the cannibalism. It was an enterprising sort of idea changing them into meat pies, but I would never date a guy who may have another woman turn me into a pastry.
2. Any Hero from the Shakespearean Tragedies:
If you are dating one of these guys, the chance you have shuffled off the mortal coil by Act 5 are pretty much 100%. While that should be enough to dissuade you from any involvement, here is a sampling of how your death would occur and some treatment before.
Romeo:
Chelsea: I am fully aware this is the greatest love story in literature. In Act 1, Romeo is swooning over a girl named Rosaline; when he informs his cousin and best friend Benvolio of his affliction, Benvolio shows no sympathy. Romeo falls in and out of love on a pretty regular basis. Benvolio drags Romeo to a party, where he knows Romeo will fall in love with yet another girl. He does indeed fall for Juliet. He then proceeds to hang out in her garden, kill her cousin, kill her suitor and be the cause of her suicide. Moral of the story: Do not date Romeo.
Keisha: I have never liked Romeo and Juliet. It’s about the only major Shakespeare play I cannot stand. Romeo is so fickle. He seems to be in love with someone new every day. He meets Juliet at a party where he is trying to get over yet another girl he is in love with. Why didn’t Rosaline like him? Probably because he had a bit of a reputation around Verona for being a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” type. He does marry Juliet though, but that might have just been the thrill of rebellion against his parents. And he likes to kill people. He inadvertently causes the death of his best friend, Mecurtio, slays Tybalt, and kills the poor mourning Paris. Romeo is not good news.
Hamlet:
Chelsea: I know, Ophelia, he is a prince. However, dating him is still not the best idea. Aside from being a general jerk, he will kill your father, drive you to madness, kill your brother and be the cause of you taking a little swim, forever. He will cradle and kiss your lifeless body in your grave, but that isn’t doing you much good now is it?
Keisha: Hamlet is one of my favorite Shakespearean characters. I can actually see myself being friends with him. Of course, he’s a bit mopey at the beginning of the play, but he does think that his uncle killed his father. He’s well-educated and very witty. Then, he starts to pretend he’s crazy (or maybe he really is. Scholars debate this a lot.). And then he tells his woman to get to a nunnery. I don’t think I would be able to date a man who thought I should become a nun. That just sends the wrong message.
Othello:
Chelsea: Keep a very close eye on that handkerchief Othello gave you, the one embroidered with strawberries. Keep his friend Iago away from him as well. When you misplace that handkerchief, your husband will decide you are cheating on him and smother you with a pillow.
Keisha: Othello has major jealousy issues. On top of that, he’s not a very good judge of character. He seems to completely trust Iago, the villain. He also seems to live by the idea of if his woman doesn’t love him, then she shouldn’t live to love anyone else. And this is all over a lost handkerchief. He really has no redeeming aspects to his character. Jealousy and a tendency to suffocate his wife with a pillow rules out Othello for me.
1. Prince Charming (Disney):
Prince Charming. The name brings to mind the images of the perfect man: brave, strong, and romantic. Chances are an image of a Disney character pops into your head. The question is, which Prince Charming? Do a google image search of “Prince Charming,” and you get pictures from both Cinderella and Snow White. Yes. It’s the same guy. Not so charming now, is he? If we look at Snow White, we’ll notice that Charming has a bit of a “bordering on necrophilia” thing going on. What sort of guy rides his horse through the forest, finds a group of dwarfs, and thinks “Why don’t I kiss this dead girl?” Creepy. In Cinderella, Charming dances the night away with a woman he thinks he may be in love with and never even asks her name. In addition, when he tries to find her, he sends a man with a slipper with the idea that whomever it fits must be the woman he’s looking for. Yeah, because each woman has a different shoe size. Stupid. In summary, Prince Charming is a creepy, stupid prince with a monogamy issue. Good thing he’s royalty.
Chelsea: The character of Prince Charming has never been well developed. I’m not even sure if it is a name or a description. Either way, it is a bit narcissistic of a name to be known by. He doesn’t even ask Cinderella’s name and knows next to nothing about either girl, except they look pretty in a dress and like housework. As we all know, those are the only important qualities in a girl. I wonder if Prince Charming has a harem of women, not just Snow White and Cinderella. Royalty gets to do that sometimes.
Keisha: Personally, Prince Charming has never really been my type. When I really start to think about it though, he’s even less my type. I could maybe excuse the appearance in both movies. Snow White first premiered in 1937 and Cinderella in 1950. Perhaps Snow White died, and he was looking for a new queen. I do not think that I can look past the kissing a dead girl thing. I know Snow White was not technically dead, but he didn’t know that. It’s just creepy. And what sort of guy doesn’t ask a girl’s name at some point when he has spent the entire evening with her? Yes, Charming. Everyone at the ball knows your name, but you should still make some sort of introduction. He’s creepy and discourteous. It would never work.
That’s it for the collaborative portion of the list. Now we shall tell you our individual picks for undateable men.
Chelsea’s Pick: Jay Gatsby/James Gatz
It is a little odd for me to pick someone from American Literature, but I feel “ The Great Gatsby” deserves this dubious distinction.
The good: He is a most committed beau. Even if you marry someone else, he will go to great lengths to win your regard and love. He is a millionaire, rather generous, and gives great parties.
The Bad: He will never accept you are, in fact, married to someone else. He is the ultimate stalker. Not only will he discover where you live, he will purchase the closest house he can purely to be close to you. As for his fortune, it was acquired in a not so savory way. He is friends with the guy who fixed the World Series. How un-American is that? He also likes to throw around shirts as a way to impress you. He will want you to tell your husband (and the father of your child) you never loved him. In the end, death happens once again. Together, you are responsible for the death of your husband’s mistress. Her husband and Gatsby also take a very long swim. Your cousin also loses it as a result of being involved in your love spats. No one comes to Gatsby’s funeral; that is a true testament to how terrible he was.
Keisha’s comments: Chelsea would choose someone from American Lit as undesirable. She loves her Brits. I agree with this choice. Gatsby is a terrible person. He flaunts his money by throwing lavish parties and will go to any lengths to get the woman he loves, even if that involves pulling her out of a seemingly happy marriage. And he was possibly in cahoots with the man who rigged the World Series. I cannot excuse that.
Keisha’s Pick: Sherlock Holmes
I love Sherlock Holmes. He is one of my favorite characters in all of literature and film. He is brilliant, socially awkward, and arrogant. He’s delightful. When you look under the surface of the Sherlock Holmes myth, however, you find some not so delightful traits. Holmes is a cocaine addict. That’s not good. Also, he’s completely dependent on Watson and Mrs. Hudson for even the smallest things. I don’t think he should be allowed to be alone, ever. I’m not sure that I could deal with such a codependent boyfriend. And there is no conclusive evidence that he is interested in having a romantic relationship. A girlfriend is not mentioned in the original Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stories. In the newer movies featuring Robert Downey Jr. and in BBC’s Sherlock, Irene Adler is Holmes’ love interest. She does appear in one of Doyle’s stories, but Holmes is more intrigued by her than in love with her. I think the same is true in the modern versions. If you can outsmart Holmes, then he is your’s. He almost shows the same feelings toward his adversary, Moriarty. Romance is not his strong suit. Despite his very attractive qualities (and the very attractive men who have recently portrayed him on screen), I just can’t see myself with Sherlock Holmes.
Chelsea’s comments: Keisha and I have christened our house 221 B Baker Street. We refer to one another as Sherlock and Watson at times. I’ll leave it to you to figure out who is who. Sherlock’s only real relationship is with his work. Also, recent adaptations go out of their way to suggest women are not Sherlock’s cuppa. Even if that is untrue, Sherlock would constantly be comparing you to John. “John knows how to make my tea.” “John never makes me listen to his prattle.” The violin playing, the drug addiction, and the inability to clean up after himself are also reasons not to date him. Regardless, the ACD Sherlock distrusts women, so he would be a very bad boyfriend, despite his many attractions.
That about wraps it up for this post. To our male readers, who would you choose as the most attractive/undateable women of literature or film? We are quite curious. Leave us a comment here or on facebook.
Until next time, we shall bid you a fond farewell. Happy reading.
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